That’s right, it’s me, and I’m weird and wrong | smebro's Blog

Today I have a management meeting with my Boss and his Boss. I took two and a half days off work at the beginning off last week. Some of you noticed I was gone for awhile, off the radar… inconspicuously absent.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately… A hellovalot. I’ve been wanting to go to Universality, but finding the practicalities of organising and securing funds a daunting task. Something else that is draining my time is the quest for new work. I am desperate for a new job, I have been searching and going to interviews (Last one was last Monday, I thought it went really well, but he did not get back to me) and on top of that I’ve been lazy and am starting to detest my physical state… long hair, gradually creeping layer of fat over unused muscles… damnit. I used to run 6 kms a day! Now I sit for 7 and a half hours, and then go home and sit for a few hours more before going to bed and lying down for 7 hours. Everyday I’m telling myself ‘Tomorrow you’ll start that exercise regain, and every day I do nothing (In this reality) and tell myself ‘You had better do something soon, because inaction will only make this self-perception problem worse.’

Anyway, I took two and a half days off, having length discussions with family about money, and then trying to find some peace. My peace came in the form of a new project I call ‘Journey’ about a man, a story-teller, who can’t stay on any one earth , he finds himself falling through a variety of worlds and has only his story-telling ability to live on. It is a highly personal project, the protagonist is a man after my own heart, I’m jealous of the main character, but glad I started, he’s helping me sort some things.

Two and a half days off, due to stress, mental stress. I’m so freaken weird! Perhaps I’m so tired from fighting the manipulations of my work-place…because I’m certainly the only one who finds no pride in achieving targets or in my team coming first place. I am a total nut-case to my colleagues I’m sure, no doubt they hope I hurry up and move on.

It would be nice to meet someone who values me for me, and not for how I work.

Anyway, this management meeting is obviously because I am wrong. I’m wrong because I long ago used up my sick days, and have already been warned about attendance.

Obviously, just because I have been warned about attendance; does not mean I will come in on days as low as those. But what does that mean to the company? Nil. They don’t care how stressed I may have been, or how my head has been hanging low and grim for weeks now… how is that important when there are business targets to achieve? How could I be so stupid to count myself ahead of dollars?

Silly me, thinking that I should hold my well-being ahead of all else. I’ve had my priorities in the wrong places! What I should have been doing is dialling more customers, talking to them for longer about the extra money they can spend on phone plans they don’t need. I should have been worrying about the business! How stupid of me, dumb dumb dumb.

I don’t know which of these things is more important. The relationships, the uni, the money, the new job, the present job… And in ten to twenty minutes I will be sitting in a room with my boss and his boss, looking at a list of things I am expected to work on. Fuck that, I’m working on me…

I hate this job.

On a positive, am in touch with an old friend I may be able to get some time with soon enough. This guy is very smart, might give me a new perspective.

This was a smebro bitch-fest.